


Want

by Mother_North



Series: Dark Matter [1]
Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: 1st person pov, Angst, M/M, Obsession, Secret Relationship, Songfic, Sub/Dom undertones, yuzuvier mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-07
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-12-25 00:51:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12024624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mother_North/pseuds/Mother_North
Summary: The brighter the light is, the darker the shadows it casts are.





	Want

**Author's Note:**

> The song "Want" performed by the band Recoil inspired this and the author has zero regrets, eventually.  
> Lyrics are written in italics. All of the mistakes are my own.  
> Hope you'll enjoy a bit of a dark!Yuzu ;)  
> P.S. Too much "Recoil" can damage your health.

**

_I want to know how it will end_  
_I want to be sure of what it will cost_

Oh, but I remember so vividly how it all started. The moment, I saw you for the first time. You were on your own, standing on the subway platform, waiting for a train to arrive. It was already almost dark and thick Toronto dusk had descended upon the buzzing city. I could see your pale face illuminated with the luminescent cold light of the ceiling lamps, which highlighted each of your delicate features. Your thin lips moved, seemingly singing along the lyrics of the song which was playing in your headphones. You looked a bit carefree, immersed in your own world, never even casting me a single glance, though my eyes were devouring your image incessantly. I was awestruck by your dainty beauty. I was doomed right from the start. I knew I had to see you once again at any cost.

_I want to strangle the stars for all they promised me_  
_I want you to call me on your drug phone_  
_I want to keep you alive so there is always the possibility of murder later_

The brighter the light is, the darker the shadows it casts are. You are the epitome of soothing light which can become deadly sizzling in an instant. Seeing you lay on the hotel bed with your arms splayed, in all of your naked glory, waiting for me to come to you obediently and beg for just one touch, which, of course, still has to be earned. It is true that the stars shining in the bottomless darkness of your eyes are a constant promise of delights I never even knew existed. I crawl to you slowly, heat rising to my cheeks, first sting of heavy arousal settling in my underbelly. You are smiling knowingly and for this smile alone I feel like I could kill, starting with my own shame curled deep inside.

_I want to be there when you learn the cost of desire_  
_I want you to understand that my malevolence is just a way to win_  
_I want the name of the ruiner_  
_I want matches in case I have to suddenly burn_  
_I want you to know that being kind is overrated_

I bend down to put reverent kisses upon your ankles, my lips moving tentatively. I know that today you would like to be treated as some kind of a deity and I obey your wishes. Always. There is no way around. You’ve made it clear who of the two of us sets the rules: no questions, no names, no obligations. Just the two of us lost in each other in the darkness of the night for a couple of hours. Occasional secret trysts which have become an irreplaceable potent drug of mine. I burn to ashes at the altar of your worship to be resurrected later by one of your sweet comforting kisses. I don’t even have to think twice when you ask me to kneel and lick your toes. _I am ablaze_.

_I want to write my secret across your sky_  
_I want to watch you lose control_  
_I want to watch you lose_

_I want to know exactly what it's going to take_  


Of all the things I’ve learned about you, the first was that you absolutely hate losing. No matter how high the stakes are. Even now, while lying on the floor with your hands bound tightly behind your back. You look defiant, you look so haughty and unbroken. I can see the dare written all over your face and in the dark gleam of your eyes. It’s a significant part of the power of your attraction, I must confess. Smiling inwardly, I bring my hands to caress your lower back in gentle circular motions, outline each of your protruding vertebras with my tongue. I can feel a shiver running down your spine momentarily. I want to watch you lose yourself to me and today _I will_.

_I want to see you insert yourself into glory_  
_I want your touches to scar me so I'll know where you've been_

_I want you to watch when I go down in flames_  
_I want a list of atrocities done in your name_  
_I want to reach my hand into the dark and feel what reaches back_

I reach for you. Every time, even when your face is so close that I can see your dilated pupils clearly and feel your ghostly breath on my lips you often seem to be far away. It hurts, I won’t lie, but what hurts even more than the distant look on your face, is the way you whisper _his_ name repeatedly at times of ultimate pleasure. I have no idea who he is and I’ll never will. Asking you about him is simply out of question. I don’t want to lose an opportunity to see you because now it is of no less importance to me than a vital act of breathing. The realization leaves my heart scarred but it is you who has left these scars and I cherish them all the same.

_I want to remember when my nightmares were clearer_  
_I want to be there when your hot black rage rips wide open_  
_I want to taste my own kind_  
_I want to be wrapped in cold wet sheets to see if it's different on this side_

Never in my whole life have I seen something more beautiful than you are at this particular moment. The way you are writhing beneath me, trying to suppress a cadence of never ending drowned out moans which are spilling from your parted lips, as I fuck you hard into the sweat-drenched sheets. I can feel your fingers clinging to my shoulders desperately, as if your dear life depends on it. I have no doubt that I’ll see bruises in the cold light of tomorrow morning, standing alone in front of the bathroom mirror. But for now, no lonely tomorrow exists and I chase these painful thoughts away. With the flavor of your skin in my nostrils, with the taste of your essence still bitter on my tongue, with our entwined bodies moving as one, I pray for the sun to never rise again.

_I want you to come on strong_  
_I want to leave you out in the cold_  
_I want the exact same thing but different_  
_I want some soft drugs...some soft, soft drugs_

I didn’t notice the exact moment I became so severely addicted, dependent upon you. Every next dose is giving me relief only for the shortest period of time, always leaving craving for more. More of your intoxicating kisses, smoldering touches and bewitching gazes _. My precious boy._ You are the softest and the most dangerous drug I’ve ever indulged myself in. The only thing I fear is that one day you’ll get bored of our little secret games and cut me out of your life, severing the supply cruelly. I honestly do not know if I survive the withdrawal and I never want to find out, so even the craziest of your whims are automatically granted.

_I want to throw you_  
_I want you to know I know_  
_I want to know if you read me_  
_I want to swing with my eyes shut and see what I hit_  
_I want to know just how much you hate me so I can predict what you'll do_  
_I want you to know the wounds are self-inflicted_  
_I want a controlling interest_

There was not a single time that you stayed afterwards, wanting to spend the remainder of the night with me. I’ve never dared to ask you to, knowing full well, that you’ll never agree. I have made myself stop countlessly before making you reject my unwanted feelings the way I know you will. Too much honor for a pitiful, madly enamored fool such as me. I hardly have doubts that you read me like an open book as I watch you dressing silently. Not a word uttered between us. Deep in my heart I know that if it was a mysterious _him_ in my place now, you wouldn’t want to leave in the first place. You don’t look back as you close the door behind your back, leaving me staring blankly after your slender figure. The suffocating quietness of the hotel room is crawling under my skin, making my heart wounds seem self-inflicted. They hurt no less, though.

_I want to be somewhere beautiful when I die_  
_I want to be your secret hater_  
_I want to stop destroying you but I can't_

I get up from disheveled bed sheets, which are still keeping traces of your warmth and rush to the window. There are several hours until the dawn breaks but I can make out your receding silhouette nevertheless, street lamps making it possible. I do not know if I ever see you again but blind hope continues to live in my chest stubbornly. You are destroying me and I never ever want you to stop, trapped in a punishing and relentless want, my _want_ for you.    

_And I want and I want and I want and I will always be hungry_

_**_

 

 


End file.
